Okay well I guess I have to come up with something for the blog here. After all I have a very lukewarm reputation to uphold.
We might be able to help you with that.
….Who are you and why are you randomly standing in my kitchen?
Would you prefer if we were carefully standing instead?
See, right there we have officially made your blog entry .27 percent funnier.
I’m sorry did you say .27 percent? Is that supposed to impress me or something?
It should. Right now, according to our metrics, you are only .8543 percent funny.
Ok, who the hell are you guys?
Sorry. Guy and gal.
My original question still stands.
We are from the Pavlov Group.
…the hell is the Pavlov Group?
You want more people to find this blog, right?
Well, I mean, I suppose a few more people will be nice.
We can do that for you. For a nominal fee of course.
Ok, seriously, how did you get in here?
Through the open front door.
The open…ah crap I forgot to close the door again.
We know. We determined there was a 97.54 percent chance that you would do that.
How in the…okay you guys are really going to have to start answering some things here.
Certainly. We at the Pavlov Group gather as much information as possible in an effort to better you in all facets of your life. We can make you more marketable to employers, seem more attractive to potential partners, drive traffic onto social medias, and otherwise tell you how horrible you are and how much better you could be after we get done helping you. All again for a nominal fee.
….This is seriously a thing?
And this is guaranteed to make me, like, more popular and find dates and stuff like that?
Well, we do have a 99.99999 percent guarantee.
99.99999 percent? Why not 100?
Statistically we can’t verify anything to be perfect.
So, do you just like live here or something?
No. We sit behind our computers and matrices, running our data analyses and deliver to you personal reports daily either through email, text, or a small transmitter we implant behind your ear.
Implant behind my…I think I’d take the email option.
Great choice. So would you like to purchase our services for the aforementioned nominal fee?
You keep talking about this fee. How nominal are we talking here? I mean, I am sorta…ah…how shall we put this….employmently challenged at the moment?
Oh, no money is required.
Well, what do I pay you with?
…I’m sorry. Did you just say soul?
Not like sole of a shoe.
No sir. Soul. As in the thing that goes to heaven. Although in your case it wouldn’t. Because we would have it.
Now I know you are joking.
We don’t joke. We take our jobs very seriously.
…How would you even take someone’s soul?
We use a vacuum.
Exactly. We place the nozzle directly near your open mouth, and within five seconds we are able to extract your soul and keep it contained in a titanium chamber in an underground bunker.
I keep waiting for the you’ve been pranked.
No pranks. Just results.
Sounds like a great tagline.
Nothing. I can’t believe I’m even considering this, but how many other people have you helped?
Including you? 5.
Yes. We promise to make people more popular, successful, and all around better than the sad sacks of refuse that they already are. Obviously, we have to have a small client base. If we helped everyone, then no one would be successful.
I guess that makes sense. How did you find me?
We saw your social media sites. It was rather easy to tell you needed the help.
….Thanks. I think.
You’re welcome. So do you accept our terms?
….Alright what the hell.
Great. If you could just sit in that chair over there, we will get started with the soul extraction in just a few minutes.
You guys waste no time.
Well, Devil is going to need this by 3.
Wait, whoa the Devil?
No, Ed Devil. He’s our boss.
Okay, because for a second there…
Happens all the time. Besides, the Devil hasn’t worked for the company since 2010.
Yeah. He kept thinking Myspace was going to be a thing again.