Resolutions

It is that time of the year again.

Time to ring in the new year.

Except does anyone really “ring” in the year? I mean, how many people are holding bells or anything else that would actually ring?

One could pass into the new year. Or watch the new year flip. Or drop into the year.

Yeah, why not drop? I mean, people stand out in the middle of an often cold New York City night to watch a round sphere slowly sink to the bottom of a pole after a minute.

Not to mention their clear desire to shower in confetti, always remembering to get behind their ears.

But let’s not get carried away.  The point here is not to get into a semantic discussion about the proper way to say that you are celebrating the new year.

No, this is about resolutions.

So…I guess the first resolution I ought to make is to try to not get into semantic conversations as much.

I mean, I can’t say to not get into any.

Seeing as I already just did that ten seconds ago.

Although could it be considered breaking a resolution when you haven’t technically made the resolution yet? I mean, shouldn’t there be some kind of time out period or a little wiggle room there?

I better consult my attorney. Hold on a sec.
……..
……..he says I’m good.

Okay so I resolve to have no conversations about semantics this year.
Wait, what?
You mean to tell me by just saying I’ll have no semantic conversations that I just engaged in a conversation about semantics thereby nullifying the resolution I just made?

What the hell do I pay you for lawyer?
…I haven’t yet?
Okay I also resolve to find my checkbook.
You take PayPal?
Don’t have that.
Bitcoin?
Sorry.
Instagram likes and followers?
I’ll see what I can do.

Anyway, where was I again?
Right, resolutions.

Alright for my third resolution I think I resolve to get healthier.
Yep. No more junk food for me. More vegetables and fruits, yogurt and water.

No more meat?
Let’s not get crazy here.
Steak is life.

Okay I understand the irony of saying that a dead animal on a plate is life. Clearly it is not, in fact, life. You are still not not going to get me to not eat meat.

Is that too many negatives? How does the double negative rule work again? It was an odd number of negatives so I think my statement is okay.

Let me consult my 5th grade English teacher.
……
…….
……okay I’m revising my previous statement. I am still going to eat meat no matter what anyone says.

Thank you Miss Havrin.
What?
You want to be paid too?
Wasn’t the apple I gave you at the end of the year good enough?
You’re allergic to apples? Now you tell me.
Okay so how do you want to be paid? Cash, check, stack of coins in a sock?
You also want Instagram followers and likes?
I resolve to go into hiding until 2019.

 

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