Just Call 1-800…

Hello, thank you for calling 1-800-FND-ADTE. Press 1 if you are a man looking for a woman, 2 if you are a woman looking for a man, 3 for a man looking for a man, 4 for a woman looking for a woman, or 5 your gender norm choices are oppressive and I demand to speak to your customer service manager.

You have pressed 1, a man looking for a woman.

Press 1 if you are a man between the ages of 18-24, 2 for between 25-29, or 3 for 30 and older.

You have pressed 3, for 30 and older. Welcome, grandpa. No wonder why you chose a phone dating service as opposed to…oh I don’t know…the internet or asking people out in person. Wuss.

Press 1 if you are looking for a woman between the ages of 18-24, 2 for between 25-29, or 3 for 30 and over.

You have pressed 2, for  25-29. Of course because you are a man and think the only attractive people are ones younger than you. I’m starting to see why you are still single.

Press 1 if you are looking for a thin to average build, or 2 for full-figured to you know you like that jello.

You have pressed 1, for thin to average build. You judgmental douchehole.

Press 1 if you consider yourself fun and outgoing, 2 if you are quiet and thoughtful, or 3 whichever one will get you more dates.

You have pressed 3, whichever one will get you more dates. Now I definitely know why you are still single.

Press 1 if in a woman you like a fun and outgoing person, 2 someone quiet and thoughtful, or 3 anyone that would find you attractive.

You have pressed 3, anyone that would find you attractive. Good luck with that.

Please wait while we assess potential matches. Your estimated wait time based upon the information you provided us is 375 years.

Press 1 to go back to the beginning, 2 to wait, or 3 to begin an apocalyptic meteor storm to end your sweet, sweet miserable life.

You have pressed 3, begin an apocalyptic meteor storm to end your sweet, sweet miserable life.

Please wait while we create the proper atmospheric conditions.

Press 1 if you would like to hear some smooth jazz music while you wait, or 2 for no.

You have pressed 1, you would like to hear some smooth jazz music while you wait.

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