Stream-Of-Conciousness

Much of what I do on here, writing-wise, while the topics are usually ones that come up in the moment as opposed to planned out, I do tend to take some considerable time shaping them, filling them out and making them either funny or not.  Chances are, even the ones that I think are funny are likely not but I keep doing them anyway because, well, I have my reasons.  All of this preamble is just to get to the heart of today’s moment of ramble-o-rama.  We tend to filter much of what we do, whether purposefully or no, we all do it.  Even something like this here online journal, and really no matter what kind of word they come up for it, its basically an online journal.  Even this is filter for the audience, where we don’t quite give up every little fact or notion about us because we think that

  1.  No one will care to here about our every little fact and figure.
  2. We still like to keep some of our private stuff…private.

So, this is not a condemnation of doing that.  Instead, what I thought I would try doing is the opposite of what even I do most of the time here on the blog (okay, I’m starting to get the whole call the online journal something else because it is infinitely easier to type blog than online journal.  I suppose I could call it oj but then people would start thinking I was talking about the jailed football star or breakfast juice.)  I’m just going to write.  Now, I understand that most people (the 5-10 who read this, and thank you to those who would take the time to read someone’s rambling thoughts on the internet,) would obviously not be able to track or verify that I’m in fact just writing without thinking less I leave every spelling mistake or something in it to prove it.  Then again, I could purposely leave the words misspelled and you still would not be the wiser, dear Reader(s).  But as much as I can try to vow that that is what I’m doing, I will vow now.  Admittedly I will clean up the spelling as I just can’t stand to see stuff misspelled but I will not mess with any of the content.

As a bit of an immediate confession, I will say that the purposes behind me even putting up something like this were very much selfish ones.  I, like many people I would imagine, saw the online world and the chance to put something on it, and thought, “I could totally do that and no doubt hundreds, thousands, and then millions of people will start reading it and I will be totally famous, and then I’ll get paid for it, and it will be awesome!”  But, as I quickly learned, nothing that I do on here will ever be anything that could remotely be considered famous or memorable in anyway.  I don’t say that because I’m looking for sympathy, and I stress this because a lot of people will say that and then will purposefully say things so that people are sympathetic towards them.  But, I really am not looking for any kind of sympathy.  I have my many faults, and sometimes you need to put them on the page in order to be able to confront yourself with them.  It’s one of those things that we are all most certainly not perfect.  But, we can be very good at lying or maybe just pushing aside negative parts of our personality or character or spin things in such a way to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.  And, I have always been my worst critic so I do a lot to try to push negative ideas or thoughts about myself away as often as possible so the potential to be able to just forget certain things about yourself are a tendency I can fall into rather easily.

I also realize as I’m writing this, that I cannot just write without feeling the need to edit certain things, or make the sentence seem more complete or simply make more sense, so already I’m only part way into this just writing to write exercise and am already starting to cop out of things.  I’m erasing a sentence or two here and man I just can’t help it.  The tendency to sanitize and make yourself appear as good as possible as all times is just so damn strong sometimes.  Also, I guess I realize that if I were to just continue typing and writing I would be filling up a blog with thousands upon thousands of words and there is no one in their right mind that will look at the ramblings of a madman, a term I use loosely because while I don’t think I am, others I suppose have looked at me as a bit crazy…goofy…whatever.  And the other thing I run into as I write is the desire to innovate the writing, buck the conventions and do something that no one has ever done before.  Except, as I keep having to remind myself, all of this has been done before.  How many conventions am I really bucking?  In fact, chances are my attempts at doing stuff that is out of the ordinary, is really just a different form of ordinary.  And isn’t that perhaps the one thing that we really hate to be the most?  No one wants to be ordinary.  That is why we spend so much time in our lives establishing our legacies, burnishing our resumes professional and personal to keep ourselves alive long after we are gone.  And not to mention, don’t we always hear that we are special?  And I mean, sure we look a little different than the people we see around us, but are we that special?  Or maybe I just want to think that we aren’t special, that everyone is just normal and we are the ones who elevate certain people to extraordinary status.  Which really, now that I write that I think that is the case.  And all of the not believing in special is once again my ability to justify my normality and my ordinariness.  And I’m pretty sure that if I start looking back at this that this will not make any sense whatsoever, which is probably typical of anything that is done stream-of-consciousness style.  And I’m sort of reminded of the jazz player, who I immediately think is a saxophonist, that gets the solo and plays every possible moment of it, filling it with tons of notes so that not a single moment can be wasted and he can be head the entire time.  And I think all of us or I guess I try to be more the guy who waits, plays a couple notes, lets everything else go on, and contributes to the beat or the melody when necessary.  Which is much of the reason why I was attracted to the music of Miles Davis, because he was always the type to just let people play, and he would throw in a quick secession of staccato notes and then shut up so everyone else could play.

And I’m rambling again but heck that’s the title of this blog and I couldn’t think of a better title for it because it is so true to my personality.  A million thoughts run rapid through the brain and the fingers or the tongue can not quite keep up and I get frustrated when ideas come to my head but I forget them when I get the chance to grab the pen and paper and then I have to think hard about what it was that I forgot hoping that some kernel of it remained so that I could think on that long enough to remember what it is that I forgot.  And sure enough I forgot the next thing that my brain had to say and man do I hate the disconnect that happens to me more times than I would care to admit.  I wish sometimes I did have a far better memory than I have.  I also wish I had the ability to be able to be a little kinder to myself and maybe believe in myself more than I do.  Other people that I meet have that in spades and while I don’t want to be the type to copy off others maybe there are some things that are worth being a carbon copy of.  And here I have to have a pause in the writing which is almost like a catch up moment but I hate it because I feel like I could be faster at doing this and just trust the flow of the words from the fingers.  I just have to say that while this is likely the dumbest or just the lamest thing that I have attempted to do, or maybe just the most pointless because I’m doing this with the full realization that no one, or perhaps no one should read this, because its all gobbledygook and oh man, I just used the term gobbledygook which is such an old saying but I’m full of them.  I do have the tendency to be the type to believe they were born in the wrong time period.  I can’t tell you how excited I was when I finally got one of those old timey paperboy style or cabby hats although I guess I can because I just told you.  I can certainly see the exhilaration in people doing things like this but I can also see why people would be afraid to publish anything like this.  It’s freeing and yet its terrifying.   Which I guess in an attempt to sum up since this thing will and probably already has gone on too long is maybe the point of doing anything in life.  Life is freeing and terrifying and damn if we don’t want to do it again as much as possible when the ride and the words finally stop.

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