Self Examination

It’s that time of the year folks.  No, I’m not talking about the fact that today, 4-20 happens to be the day that many people…uh…smoke some great semi-legal…greenery.  Let’s just say greenery.  No, I mean its time for those annual checkups.  Now that its getting warmer out there, or I guess colder in some places (sorry Australia), its the perfect time to make sure that that cabin fever you acquired over the winter is not actual fever…acquired from your cabin.  So, I’m here waiting in this office for the doc.  Had to put the medical gown on too, which you’d think in this day and age with all the technology in the world, they would manage to come up with a covering that didn’t feel like and look like two pieces of paper held together by a rubber band.  But, I guess that’s what I’ll have to….

Dr.:  Hi!

Me:  Oh, hi.  When did you come in?  And why did it suddenly turn to a screenplay/published interview format all of sudden?

Dr.:  A little early to be breaking the fourth wall and all  but I guess that’s typical for you.  I should know seeing as I’m you.

Me:  Wait, what?!

Dr.:  Yeah, I’m you.  This is your examination.

Me:  What do you mean?  I’m not a doctor.  Well, except you say I’m me, so I guess I am a doctor.  Or my double is a doctor.  Or….is this some kind of multi-verse thing?  I’m just letting you know I’ve seen exactly one episode of Doctor Who.

Dr.:  No duh.  Again, I’m you.  Anyway, no this is your self-examination.

Me:  Self-exam?

Dr.:  Yes, its important occasionally to take some time to examine yourself and your actions, so that if you feel like you are doing something you don’t like, you can recognize it and perhaps change it.  Also, you are such a stickler for being literally literal that this is the only damn way you knew how to do it.

Me:  Okay self, first off language.  Second of all, I’m a genius.  I’m in.

Dr.:  Humble much?  First question.  Your name for the record?

Me:  For the record?  Wait, are you writing this down?

Dr.:  Well, technically I’m typing it out on a computer screen as you already know.  And yes, I’m writing it down because you can’t even remember what you ate for dinner half an hour ago.

Me:  Harsh!  I remember!  It was…It was….damn it…me.  Now, hold on Dr…Me?  Dr. Dan?  What do I call you?  Or, I guess me?

Dr:  Just call yourself…Dr….Self.  Dr. Self.  And you….me…watch MY language.

Me:  Fine.  Anyway, to answer my question, Daniel Cuthbert

Dr. Self:  Great.  And you are how old now?

Me:  Way to rub it in me.  31.

Dr. Self:  Family?

Me:  Yes.

Dr. Self:  Care to elaborate?

Me:  Mom…Dad…and younger brother but he’s gone now.

Dr. Self:  Where do you live?

Me:  Uh…1234 Midwest somewhere.  C’mon self!  No one puts their entire address on the internet.

Dr. Self:  Good, just testing me.  Okay, favorite movie?

Me:  Way to give myself a trick question.  Don’t have one…have three.  Citizen Kane, Sideways and Annie Hall.

Dr. Self:  Very nice.  Favorite tv show?

Me:  House Of Cards.  Wait, the favorite for now me, or kid me?

Dr. Self:  They are different?

Me:  Uh, me?  You know how much time there has been between kid me and regular me…of course they are different.  What show is on now that was on in the 90’s?  Except maybe Cops…and The Simpsons….and Maury.  People so many years later still not knowing the fathers of their babies.

Dr. Self:  Okay, focus here.  You’re rambling a bit.

Me:  You know the name of this blog, right?

Dr. Self:  Yes.

Me:  Okay, I have a title to live up to here.

Dr. Self:  Can I please just answer the question here?

Me:  The Simpsons probably…oh wait no, SNICK!

Dr. Self:  SNICK?  Why don’t you explain that to me?  And to those who read the blog that were probably born while I was in high school.

Me:  SNICK was Saturday night Nickelodeon.  Four great shows in 2 hours.  Changed a bit but there was All That, the kids version of Saturday Night LiveClarissa Explains It All…oh and of course Are You Afraid Of The Dark?.

Dr. Self:  Are you?

Me:  Am I what?

Dr. Self:  Afraid of the dark?  HAH!  BAM!  I make the first pun!

Me:  Go me.  This is why no one likes yo…my jokes.

Dr. Self:  I happen to think I’m pretty funny…and I think I would agree with me.

Me:  ….You’re right!  I am pretty funny.  And also probably self-delusional.

Dr. Self:  Self-delusional?

Me:  I am having a running conversation with myself right now.

Dr. Self:  Touché.  Okay, I am getting a little harder now.  Favorite part of childhood?

Me:  Probably the sense of having not a care in the world.  Being able to play and just…have fun.  No worries.  No second guessing anything.

Dr. Self:  Worst part?

Me:  Of childhood?  I am thinking about childhood up to like, age 13 or something like that?

Dr. Self:  Yes.  Why do I ask?

Me:  Well, I was 16 when my brother died so…

Dr. Self:  Well yes of course.  Let’s talk before that happened.

Me:  Probably the constant crying.

Dr. Self:  I was sad alot?

Me:  Yeah, you know.  Something would go wrong, some wrong answer on a paper, losing or lost a game in gym…all and more would make me burst out crying.

Dr. Self:  I was picked on I imagine.

Me:  Yeah.  It wasn’t fun.

Dr. Self:  I got help for it?

Me:  2 different therapists.  Ritalin for awhile.  Many rounds of Uno and talking with the first.  Heck, that’s how I learned the game.

Dr. Self:  True.

Me:  Second was definitely the sit on the black couch and talk variety.

Dr. Self:  But I learned something.

Me:  Yep.  It more or less ended on its own by 8th grade.  Figured out what things were important and which weren’t.  Still never was very popular.

Dr. Self:  But I didn’t care much about that?

Me:  I guess it was always in the back of the mind, wanting to fit in.  But I never really actively tried for it.

Dr. Self:  Girlfriend?

Me:  Now?  Not currently.

Dr. Self:  Want one?

Me:  Kind of a stupid question me.  Of course.  Eventually…hopefully… some point in the future here.

Dr. Self:  Longest relationship?

Me:  4 years.  A little over that.

Dr. Self:  Shortest?

Me:  2 weeks.  Go high school.  Actually go college.  Actually go both.

Dr. Self:  Biggest problem in dating?

Me:  Thinking the people that I like probably don’t like me, so I don’t bother to ask them out because I figure they’ll say no.

Dr. Self:  Self-confidence then not so great.

Me:  Well, you already have half that problem conquered.

Dr. Self:  Huh?

Me:  Cause I’m Dr. Self?  Self-confidence?  Your name has self in it already?  So, half the problem…

Dr. Self:  If you have to explain it, its not funny.

Me:  Neither was your afraid joke.

Dr. Self:  What?

Me:  Nothing, me.  what’s your next question?

Dr. Self:  Worst vice?

Me:  Coke.

Dr. Self:  The drug?

Me:  No, the drink.

Dr. Self:  Worst bad habit?

Me: …Coke.

Dr. Self:  The drink?

Me:  No, the drug this time.

Dr. Self:  Cute.  No seriously.

Me:  Probably my tendency to become self-absorbed or at the very least appear self-absorbed in myself.

Dr. Self:  You realize writing a blog about yourself talking to..yourself isn’t going to help here?

Me:  I’m aware of the irony.

Dr. Self:  Fair enough.

Me:  I’m trying to let people in more.  Not hold anything back and I do genuinely want to get to know other people, other perspectives.  You don’t really get to learn much without talking to people who are not like you sometimes.

Dr. Self:  Life motto?

Me:  If in doubt, whiskey is 3 for 45 bucks at the drug store this week?

Dr. Self…funny.  Your real motto.

Me:  I guess the golden rule.  Treat people like you want to be treated.  And that you don’t have much control over what people think of you so be who you are and people will like or not like you for it.

Dr. Self:  Your interests?

Me:  Baseball. Football.  Music, all kinds…including Jazz, especially Miles Davis.  Walking.  Biking.  Writing.  Movies, for sure.  Like to make movies at some point.  Helps that friends I’ve met have done those kinds of things before independently.

Dr. Self:  Okay, and….

Me:  Did I mention cheesecake?  Cuz if not…cheesecake.

Dr. Self:  Disinterests?

Me: …You mean things I don’t like?

Dr. Self:  Yeah, of course that’s what I meant.  Don’t question me, I’m the doctor.

Me:  4 out of 5 real doctors agree that I’m not a real doctor.

Dr. Self:  I’m what you got.

Me:  (Sigh)….mushrooms…lying….coconut….smoking…Justin Bieber.

Dr. Self:  Well that last one goes without saying.  Final question.  What is your worst fear?

Me:  Spiders.  Definitely spiders.

Dr. Self:  Why?

Me:  I blame a Nintendo 64 game from the late 1990’s.  Nightmare Creatures.  Big, giant, freakin’ evil spider boss.

Dr. Self:  It was a game, I realize?

Me:  Yeah, but still.  That was a hard boss.  And that game was freaky, monsters all over London.  Scary for a kid.

Dr. Self:  Did it give you…nightmares?  Those creatures?

Me:  I literally hate me right now.

















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