Job Seeker

The Rambler

123 Lonely Heart Road

Singlesville, IL 60331

1-800-Soa-lone

allbymyself@seriouslyineedsomeone.com

Objective:  Position in Coupled Society

Summary of Qualifications:

  • Able to recite entire episodes of cartoon series from the 1990’s
  • Can dance if by dance you mean bounce around convincingly
  • Qualified bad joke teller
  • Values telling the truth 100% of the time
  • Can leap tall buildings in a single bound
  • Also x-ray vision

Professional Accomplishments:

Geek Developer-  1990-2003

  • Self-taught by the 2nd grade
  • Facilitated inevitable unpopularity with random crying spells through the 8th grade
  • Could name the presidents in order from first to latest.
  • Never attended a single school dance
  • Played clarinet and bassoon
  • Gave my opinion on things at speech levels loud enough to be heard from space
  • Known as “that tall guy that walks the hallways”

 

Professional Nondescript State College Undergraduate Student- 2003-07

  • Fiscally responsible by ability to live off five dollar pizzas and fast food dollar menus
  • Believed ramen noodles were/are the work of the devil
  • Spender of Saturday nights watching movies by himself at the theater
  • Waited till the last minute to do every paper and homework assignment even though he told himself every time that that would be the last time he would do that
  • Wanted to get page boy style hat because he thought it looked cool
  • Known as “that tall guy that walks between buildings on campus”

 

Professional Nondescript State College Graduate Student- 2007-09

  • Completely flamed out of being a teacher at the high school level thus ensuring his need to attend graduate school
  • Fiscally responsible with money by just not eating some days
  • Ability to build fortified walls of books when attempting to do 20 page papers…at the last minute
  • Spender of Saturday nights watching movies by himself in his apartment building bedroom
  • Purchaser of the damn page boy hat finally
  • Known as “the tall guy who walks back and forth from the library”

 

Professional Couch Sitter- 2009-10

  • Looked for job after finishing school with degree
  • Found nothing
  • Took out frustration by being discouraged
  • Discovered the wonders of online videos
  • Can take direction after receiving swift kick in butt to go find something
  • Known as “that tall guy who you will not mess up his butt groove”

 

Retail Man-2010 till present

  • Ability to know and tell people where the bathroom/cafe is in my building
  • Capable of reciting references to pop culture events that happened before people were born
  • Avid marathon runner as long as it involves running back and forth between floors
  • Imbiber of everything found in the middle of break room tables
  • Known as “that crazy old tall guy who tells bad dad jokes”

 

Education:

  • Bachelor of Niceness, University of Life, Living In The, USA
  • Certified in watching Woody Allen movies, Thanks To College, Library
  • Proud owner of Terrible Comedy Writing, This Blog, Right Now

 

 

 

 

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