My Dating App Interview

Okay, welcome and have a seat.  We will get started here right away.

Cool.  Never have done this before so definitely new experience here.  I am pretty nervous but I really hope this works to find my someone special.

Yeah, that’s pretty much what they all say.

What was that?

Nothing. Let’s begin.  First question:  What is your name?

Starting off easy here….Dan.

Great.  Last name?

Cuthbert.

Age?

This is the part where I lie right?

Correct.

Any age that’s old enough to look experienced but young enough to not be grandpa-stature.

Alright.  Sex?

Well sure but not until it’s right.

…..You realize you aren’t the first, second, or even a millionth person to do that right?

I’m sure.  Couldn’t help myself.  Male.

Thank you.  Although yours was different then a good amount of the answers.  Looking for?

I’m being interviewed for a dating site.  What do you think I’m looking for?

No, I mean are you looking for a relationship with a male, female, doesn’t matter?

Doesn’t matter?  People can ask for relationships with what chimpanzees and horses or something?

Never mind that can you just answer the question?

Female.

Okay and where do you live?

United States.  Or I suppose the planet Earth.  Or Milky Way galaxy if you want to get technical.

Well I am already seeing why the relationship thing hasn’t been going your way.  Interests?

Long walks on the beach, staring into each others eyes for hours at a time, and intellectual conversations.

Okay and now your real interests.

Walks that involve me getting from point A to point B as fast as possible, the ability to approach and ask women whom I consider attractive out on a date, and intellectual conversations….that revolve around movies  seen and which  superheroes or film horror figures could beat each other in a fight.

Perfect.  And how do you see yourself in 5 years?

Living.

…Care to elaborate?

No.

Sigh.  Not making it easy here.  What do you look for in a relationship?

Another living human being of the opposite sex.  Though I’m not opposed to an alien from another planet living in the body of a human being.  Which is already happening if you ask my next door neighbor.  Considering how my next door neighbor is though I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the scout alien sent to determine whether they could live on this planet.

Well that was a new answer to that one.  What do you do for a living?

This is where I lie again too right?

Correct again.

Exotic bird trainer to the stars.  Underwear model on the weekends.  Oh, and I’m also independently wealthy so I don’t even do these for the money.

Nice.  Your best trait or characteristic?

My amazing six-pack abs.

And now your real best trait?

Sense of humor.

And now your real, real one.

Ability to put more than three coherent words together in a sentence.  Most times.

Okay that’s all the questions I have.  You are good to go.

That’s it?  Wow well that was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  Think I have a chance on finding someone after those answers?

….Nope.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “My Dating App Interview”

  1. Hahahah this was good.
    I just did a post a couple days ago about what an honest dating profile would look like. I think we should all just be honest 😉 HA

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