We’ll Be Right Back….

Hey so just a quick update on what’s been going on with me.  See it all started today when

HI!  THIS IS YOUR SUPER ENERGETIC COMMERCIAL HOST HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE MOST EXCITING PRODUCT I HAVE EVER HAD TO ENDORSE SINCE THAT OTHER COMPANY GAVE ME A SUITCASE OF MONEY TO PROMOTE THEIR PRODUCT!  BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THESE GUYS GAVE ME A TANKFUL SO IT MAKES IT EVEN MORE EXCITING!  I MEAN THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND….A TANK FULL OF MONEY!  A TANK!  ANYWAY, YOU HAVE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS NEW PRODUCT WHICH IS SO SECRET AND CRAZY AMAZING, THEY HAVEN’T EVEN COME UP WITH A NAME FOR IT BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO RUSH IT STRAIGHT OUT TO ALL OF YOU!   SO, FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF 75,000 PAYMENTS OF SOME NUMBER THAT ALWAYS ENDS IN 95 BECAUSE THAT WAY IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS LESS THAN THE NEXT DOLLAR AMOUNT BECAUSE WE THINK YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO FORGET THAT THERE IS ALWAYS TAX AND THEREFORE IT IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE MORE THAN THAT NEXT DOLLAR!!  HOLY FREAKING CRAP I’M SO TIRED OF BEING EXCITED I’M GOING TO GO COLLAPSE IN A HEAP NOW BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE THE DRUGS ARE WEARING OFFthumpsnore

I was headed out to go to work and thought I would have enough time to stop off at this coffee shop I usually like to go to.  So I’m driving there when all of a sudden this guy in front of me

…..hi.  i wanted to take this next half minute to breathlessly whisper to you about this perfume/cologne that we want you to bathe in to the point of turning the atmosphere into this very perfume/cologne so that it might end up raining down like manna from heaven and become a best seller by virtue of being the only form of liquid left available on the planet earth.  But of course we don’t want to talk about creating global warming on the planet earth by talking out loud so we figure we should sexily whisper this to you as also you will become so aroused by wanting to find out why you need this water bathed in scents we threw together one day just because yolo, that you will immediately go running out and knock over your elderly next door neighbor to get to your car to drive to that mall in the next town that’s the size of seventeen football fields.  Also, we figure you will think since sexy people are shown running towards each other ready to tear off each others clothes in the commercial, that you will think that this will be the stuff that finally gets that girl/boy you have secretly been crushing on for the last seven years to finally notice you and want to tear your clothes off.  So buy it.  Because sex tells you to.

goes and just cuts me off which is bad enough already but then he had the audacity to just

Hey!  You!  Yeah you on the couch!  We know you already live a pretty stationary life on your couch and your bed, although maybe they are one in the same.  Actually they probably are because we know you likely live in a small apartment because that is all you can afford when you are addicted to our fantastic selection of burgers, fries, and anything else we can dip in the fryer back there!  It’s an industrial one so we could probably throw an elephant back in that thing and sell it for 4.99.  Anyway, we wanted to introduce you to our brand new 15 patty burger ladeled with pork, barbecue sauce, a fried onion, five cheesesticks, a piece of lettuce to make it look healthy, the current amount of cheese one of our cows can produce in a year, and don’t forget bacon.  Lots and lots of that fried pig fat!  Because it’s bacon and we all know you would eat anything with that s%*& on it.  We could have an infestation of rats come in, and we could just take one of those, stuff it full of bacon, deep fry it and you would consider it the next best thing to the invention of the hamburger on two donuts.  Plus, we all know you will order this brand new burger  with some diet pop so that totally takes away the chance this thing will kill you by you just looking at it.  See you soon!

hit his brakes so that I practically have to slam on mine and

Booze!  Time to drink now!  Do you really care what we put in it?  It’s alcohol, the whole point is you drink enough of it so you don’t even remember the taste!  Hell, you won’t even remember drinking it!  We know your 9-5 job….oh who are we kidding your 9-6 in the morning or 4-12pm or whatever hours your below the pay you need to be able to live any kind of life approaching middle class is killing you right now.  You think I go to college and get a degree and I’m guaranteed something halfways decent but oh no!  That masters degree in theoretical philosophy got you that part time position at that local grocery chain with the one fellow bagger who keeps giving you that weird expression like you ran over his grandmother or something.  Then of course you find out three weeks later that in fact your next door neighbor whom you ran over when you got that perfume/cologne was the grandmother of that bagger.  So now you have the dual headache of having a terrible job that pays next to nothing and the worry that bagger is going to show up one day at your house with a plastic bag and a desperate desire to avenge his grandmother’s death.  So yeah, our booze is starting to look really good right now isn’t it?  Yeah, time to take a trip to that liquor store. 

really ticked me off.

 

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