Black Dress Pants, Who Supported Human, Die at 5

By Daniel Cuthbert

Black Dress Pants, who came from a department store that cannot be remembered, died on Tuesday at approximately 3:30pm in Orland Park, Illinois.

The cause was old age complicated by broken zipper according to the owner, Dan Cuthbert.

Black Dress Pants were known primarily for both their comfort and sense of being appropriate to be using as “semi-business” attire.

Black Dress Pants were born in 2010 as the son of a mixed marriage of polyester and cotton.  They came to prominence in late October 0f the same year when discovered by Dan Cuthbert in a small heap located towards the back of a department store.

Their appeal was immediately apparent when taken home and worn for the first time around locally.  But they would soon take on a national presence when worn to a bookstore chain in November of 2010 where they would maintain that standing for the next five years.

During that time they were also able to perform a number of duties for dozens of weddings, several funerals, and even a few occasional date nights.

Black Pants would run into some trouble in 2013 when the left pocket got into an altercation with a sharp corner of a newsstand display. While no arrests were made, the altercation did result in a tear to the pocket itself that, while minor, were enough to be aggravating and a contributor to the ultimate fate of Mr Pants.

By 2015, this and other injuries to Mr. Pants had resulted in a temporary retirement from public life but events including the lost of three of his fellow Pants family resulted into Mr. Pants comeback tour.

However, on the afternoon of December 30th, 2015, acccording to multiple sources, Black Dress Pants were in process of being transferred once again back to private life when catastrophic failure of the zipper caused the pants to become irreversibly broken.  He will be laid to rest Tuesday night inside a refuse bin near his home.  He is survived by identical twin brothers Black Pants Jr and Black Dress Pants II, along with his cousins Grey Pants and Tan Pants.





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