The Best Internet Arguer…In The World

     The Rambler here with another opportunity to school you in the most important facets of modern day living. 

     No, not in getting you to get rid of your 90’s wardrobe filled with clothes the entire color palette sneezed on. 

     Even more importantly, you need advice on how to win an argument on the internet. 

     You have opinions!  You have thoughts!  You have beliefs!  You have the opportunity to save money on your car insurance!

     Sorry about that.  Pop-up ad.

     Anyway, there are just four easy paymen…I mean ways of winning your particular argument with someone else on the web.   

1.  IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PROPER ENGLISH LANGUAGE…BABY.

     Today’s youth clearly have the attention spans of what was I talking about again?  Anyone who knows (and clearly I do), knows that the first trick to dominating your unseen, 12 year old opponent probably eating a bag of cheesy doodles and making their keyboard more orange then that Midwestern cheerleader in December, is to terrify him/her with a sheer blast of words, phrases, and superlative clauses.  You don’t even have to write anything that has to do with what you are arguing about, but this sheer tsunami of word-ness will likely cause your opponent to run screaming from the room in holy terror of entire paragraphs of textual goodness.  And hopefully to the bathroom so they can wash their hands already.

2.  BACKUP!  I NEED BACKUP!

     Perhaps you might end up with an opponent who happens to be an English major.  He has spent a lifetime amassing an immunity to your excessive word poison.  No problem.  Bring in a few friends to back you up.  Nothing says domination like bringing in some pals to take over that message board discussion.  What?  You have no friends?  Sorry to hear that nerd.  Time to use those important internet nerd skills then to make up some accounts to help you in your quest to convince your enemy that Tom Hanks and Pope Francis also agree that bologna sandwiches are better than ham.  Of course you guys are pals!  You crush candy together all the time! 

3.  78% OF 22% OF ALL STATISTICS ARE 48% ACCURATELY MADE UP

     On the off chance that your adversary too is a nerd who can meet you celebrity profile for  celebrity profile, its time to whip out those numbers.  Say hello to your awesome sauce stats!  You have been meaning to use that scientific peer-tested poll of you and your two cats in your back pocket for awhile now.  If they want to see evidence, nothing says proof like a few numbers that may or may not have the convenience of being entirely made up in the last thirty seconds. 

4. TOTALITARIAN DICTATOR AND/OR SYSTEM NEEDED ON AISLE SIX!    

      Hitler Communist.  Argument over. 

 

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