21st Century Want Ads

Admittedly, I don’t like to get too political on this here blog.  I want to respect any and all political persuasions who decide to peruse my blog here.

     Well that and I am a shameless view hog trying to get as many people as possible to read this because I value my worth based upon unique page hits.

   Anyway, I decided to take exception after hearing that the latest report on jobs in America stated that the number was lower than expected.

     No need to worry now. There are absolutely plenty of positions out there for you to take advantage of. This is the land of opportunity!  You just need to know where to look!  I’ll be happy to point the way with just a few of these potential career opportunities for you.

     Well I wouldn’t have pointed into your eyeball if you were looking the right way.

     1.  Couch Change Finder-

       I’m sure because of your flat-brokeness, you are probably stuck surfing a few couches out there. But why just surf when you can also search!  Let’s face it, people hate sticking their arms inside their furniture especially after that mutant rat with the fangs bit that one time.  Job requirements include long arms, sense of adventure, and a willingness to avoid saying anything about the fact your client probably hasn’t cleaned the inside of the sofa since 1985.  Salary is negotiable depending on amount of change found and whatever you can get for old blanket lint. At least you hope that’s blanket lint.

     2.  Loafing Trainer

        You have most likely heard that those who can’t get jobs clearly just do not want them and are perfectly content with just loafing around all day doing nothing. Of course, some people just have no idea on how to loaf.  That’s where you come in!  Position involves you teaching the finer points to those new to the loafing game including snack food binge techniques, identifying the differences between daytime soap operas, and the proper way to sit on furniture for long periods of time with minimal butt soreness.  Nobody wants a pain in the butt.

    3.    Guide For The Thinking Impaired-

         We live in a busy world where it just takes too long to actually figure out the answer to really simple questions like where is the bathroom that that sign five feet in front of their face points to or determining whether that person dressed in the colors of the store wearing the nametag saying how can I help you works there or not.  Position involves keeping people from asking dumb questions that anyone would know the answer to in 2 seconds if they just paid attention. Not wanting to strangle these people is strongly encouraged.

     4.    Professional “Truth-Teller”-

     At one time, telling the truth was a valuable human trait.  Really though, what fun is that now?  We are looking to hire one full time worker to go around and tell people the true “truth.” Hire must possess a B.A. in B.S., and have five years of professional experience  telling people what no one else wants them to know.  Being a Fox News contributor is a plus.

    

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