Civilization is saved!
The golden colored snack food with the white frosting on the inside that rhymes with Sprinkies is back.
And smaller then ever.
It seems that with the reemergence of this food loaded with more preservatives than a Beverly Hills desperate housewife, Americans can once again enjoy life that was so desperately bleak without the vaguely log-like foodstuff to comfort them.
I kid you not. There were people literally questioning how to live without those little stuffed cake holes crammed in their mouth while attempting to get diet soda with their upsized combo meal.
But this is really not meant to be a diatribe about the poor food choices of us Americans. We are pretty aware how bad we are. The fact we can turn an activity like eating food into a competitive sport speaks to our total lack of giving a crap about it.
No, what bugs me even more is the fact we as a species tag the most insignificant things as do or die moments of incredible importance. Aha!, you say interrupting me because you are rude like that, But most people are more sophisticated than that!.
Bull. And I can prove it with two examples.
To start, let’s look at the gladiator sport known as finding a parking spot. If you ever felt the need to get things to live at any time in your life, you have competed in this noble activity. Where I work, I’m pretty sure it has been elevated to an Olympic event. The competitors always line up circling the lot like a group of vultures looking to demolish the corpse of a free rectangular spot of ground. I have seen people standing in spots while their friend drives the car around to park. I have seen people come to blows because he/she/you “stole” my parking area. I don’t recall Marin Luther King Jr. saying he had seen the promised land and it included the parking spot by the front door next to the elm tree but you wouldn’t know that from the people I have seen. I will go ahead and suggest we turn the United States currency system from dollars to the opportunity to occupy the spot two steps closer to the beginning of the frozen food section of the grocery store. I will make that my first official action as president of the United States if elected.
Okay, you say, in that manner that makes me want to punch you in your smug face, But I don’t have a car. And a lot of other people don’t. So I still don’t buy the fact that there are so many people attaching importance to trivial things.
Well you pretentious little punk, let me wipe that silly grin off your face with one more example of this insanity in line with the parking lot death match. Seat taking. You are looking to sit in fill in the name of anyplace here. You can choose whatever seat you like, so you found one that is quite comfy in its seat-like way. But wait, you forgot something. Ah no big deal, you will go grab it and be back. 1 min later and, wait a minute. Is that Jack Jayehole? In my seat? Do you not feel the rage of a thousand Fox News commentators? Yes it is just a seat, but that seat clearly had my butt print already established! Oh but if I could smote you Jayehole for taking my seat. May you be smoted so well that your smoted-ness might rank on the list of greatest smotings of all time! Right? Tell me I’m right here.
No seriously, tell me. Or so help me your snack cakes become mine.