A Conspiracist’s Conspiracy of Confusing Conundrums

     As an active traveler on the interwebs, I have grown increasingly worried about the human race.

     Well, ok, not exactly Justin Bieber ever becoming eligible to run for public office worried, but worried enough.

     It seems as if I have not been informed of just how much of my daily existence is being dominated by conspiracies far and wide. Not to mention how much of my stuff will be taken away from me because of these.
     Whether its my religion, my holidays, my guns, my money, my privacy, or my dvd copy of the Spice Girls’ Spice World, people everywhere seem bent on stealing things from me. Which would be terrible enough if I wasn’t also being lied to by Obama, Congress, the devil, major corporations, and critics who call the Spice Girls’ Spice World one of the worst movies of all time.

     However, being a rather openminded person, I felt it my duty to keep myself informed of what was being kept from me so that I might yet tell you, dear readers, exactly how you have been left in the dark.

     Which is why I told you to turn the light on in the first place.

     So apparently, there is a person known as ” the Man” who is keeping people down.  He must have an elevator or something that only goes in one direction in order to do this. Or he has hidden all of the antidepressants.
     Although that can’t be right because why does the man have to be “the Man”?  Why could it not be a woman keeping us in the “down-ness” position?  Or perhaps it is a woman who merely tries to fool us into thinking that there is a “Man” with this dubious job description to advance her man-hating agenda. Or there really is a “Man” who is making you think its a man-hating woman.  Although then again, perhaps “the Man” or “the Woman” has in fact been trying to lift us the whole time but just doesn’t have the upper body strength to do so. 

But I’m too busy to worry about that when I have to worry about sending a link or email to ten of my closest friends so that angels can grant me wishes or demon ghost children can be prevented from haunting me.

     Except why only 10 of my friends?  Why not more or less?  Who determines the effective nature of these hauntings or these wish fullfillments and do they grow more or less potent if fewer or more people are informed of this?  Why does it have to be emailed?  Can’t the same result be handled by me mailing things to people?  Or perhaps a nice postcard?  Could I not simply find a way to telegraph it or use a series of smoke signals?  Who exactly determines the amount of friends by which these things will happen or not happen whatever the case might be?  Is there an algorithm I am unaware of to determine this?  Why is this not shared with the general public?  Why can’t this be determined by a coin toss?  A focus group?  Would the focus group be paid?  Are they currently hiring?  Will there be sandwiches?  Why are they all turkey sandwiches?  Didn’t I ask for ham and swiss?  Really convenient that they were “out of them.” I demand an investigation by the highest authorities as to the missing ham and swiss sandwich I specifically ordered.

     But before even that, the ultimate conspiracy would be whether there were any actual conspiracies. But obviously there are cause I wouldn’t waste your time, dear reader, on things that didn’t exist.

     Except maybe I would cause you can never trust someone completely. But then again, if that was the case would you not then be able to trust yourself to remember that saying correctly?  But then again the conspiracy could be to convince you that there were no conspiracies so that the conspiracists can conspire against you. But the people who are conspiring would not obviously want it to be known they are doing that so the fact this post is up now speaks to the fact that there is no conspiracy. Unless I conspired with those conspiring to convince you of the futility in believing in conspiracies so that the perfect conspiracy could be conspired. Except perhaps there is no perfect conspiracy being conspired by conspiracists to convince you of the inherent wrong nature of believing in conspiring conspiracists conspiracies.

     Kinda makes you long for the comparable simplicity of Spice World now doesn’t it?


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