I appreciate being able to offer insights and the best jokes on a regular basis, but let’s face it. Punning like I do simply does not pay the bills. I cannot continue to provide all of you this quality entertainment for free! I have no choice but to follow along in the steps of other viral video .5 second famous stars and get corporate advertisements on the blog here. But don’t worry! I made sure they were not intrusive in anyway. You probably won’t even notice them. They will just beHi. My name is Star Youneverheardof from the late 1960s of that tv show your parents might have watched one time ’cause they were looking for background music while attempting to get high off that plant they thought was weed but was really actually just a weed. Do you feel alone? Tired? Full of gas? Fearful of loud noises? Not to mention that small little bump on your stomach that you think is cancer cause of that one article on that website but is actually just a mosquito bite? Wanting to get more out of life besides those cheeseburgers you eat on a regular basis? Do you leap tall buildings in a single bound? Do you feel the hokey pokey is what its all about? Well I am here today to tell you about Awesomephol. It’s the best drug I have ever had the privilege of getting paid boatloads of money to endorse. I’ve been on Awesomephol for three minutes now and I just know you will see results. It’s scientifically engineered to give you more energy, libido, calmness, gratitude, lottery winnings, hot models, the fountain of youth, sweet dreams, a lifetime supply of ice cream and puppies, and a corner house in the afterlife. Side effects may include upset stomach, diarrhea, rainstorms, glowing in the dark, your mp3 player playing nothing but the Spice Girls, your mutation into a spider-like creature, and the Biblical Plagues.
…Sorry. I suppose if you were on Awesomephol you would have a hard time waiting too. That’s alright though because its merely an aberration from what the ads will actually be like on thisNow coming to the Scottish meat patty royalty figure restaurant near you. 75 ounces of pure fatty pleasure dripping with the entrails of pig carcass topped with cheese, pickle, onion, vegetable oil, grease, that lint from your belly button, and that stuff they use to prevent wrinkles.
…Okay that just isn’t right. I mean they specifically told me it would be 80 ounces of meat on that burger.
Well, perhaps these ads are a bit more intrusive then I thought they would be. It’s really okay dear blog reader because I promise that was just the last of theHI! I’M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE TODAY I AM CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO YELL! I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE GREATEST, MOST AWESOME PRODUCT ON THE PLANET! IT IS CALLED THE AIR GRABBER! DO YOU FEEL TIRED AND RESTLESS?! STOP DOING THOSE THINGS LIKE DRINKING ENERGY DRINKS OR SLEEP! JUST ONE USE AND YOU WONT BELIEVE YOU DID NOT HAVE IT BEFORE! HERE’S HOW IT WORKS! YOU JUST TAKE THE HANDLE ATTACHED TO THE BUCKET ON THE END, REACH UP, OPEN THE BUCKET AND GRAB THE AIR! WITH ALL THAT EXTRA OXYGEN YOU GET, YOU CAN SAVE IT AND USE IT TO KEEP YOUR BODY FUELED! IT IS AMAZING! AND IT CAN BE ALL YOURS FOR ONLY 16 AND A HALF THOUSAND PAYMENTS OF 99.95! BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT THE FACT WE KEEP THE PRICE FIVE CENTS UNDER WILL REALLY FOOL YOU INTO THINKING IT IS NOT 100 BUCKS!
I am so firing my blog agent for this.