Ranting About Rants

Hello!  You might remember me from such blog posts as…well…the last one.

I have a bit of a rant.

Wait, come back.  No seriously, come back.  I’m not talking about you.

Honest!

No actually, I have a rant….about ranting.

Yes, you read that right.

People just aren’t doing it right.

See, in my long history of posting….posts (*cough*redundant much *cough), as you can tell by the six or so I have done. I have become somewhat of an expert on proper ranting.

And people just are not ranting correctly.

See, rants by themselves are often boring to everyone but the poster.

That’s not to say the poster is boring.

Just that other people don’t really care to hear about another person complaining.

Sure, some will sympathize with you, but most just look at it as a waste of their precious looking up random videos of people being hit in uncompromising parts of their body internet time.

There are priorities people!

So in the interest of helping you all out, I have composed three rules to proper, and entertaining, ranting.

You can thank me later.

Preferably in 20s and 50s.

Not alot of places take 100 dollar bills anymore.

Rule number 1:  Proper ranting means liberal use of all capital letters…and bolding.

Rants should always be in all caps and bolded.  Take the following example of a typical rant:

So today, little Timmy took my violin and smashed it on the ground! .  He rescues a puppy one time from under a car, and now people think he is the freakin’ pope or something.  He might have been nice to the puppy, but not me!   Of course, then he figured out the square root of 10 without a calculator one time.  He thinks he is so smart!  Then at lunch, he took my popsicle, ate it, and only left me the popsicle stick!  I’m glad I’m going to Wrigley Field to see the Cubs play baseball on Thursday rather than going to school.  I wish a bear would come and beat him up.  And steal his picnic basket.

Ehem…..Boring!  Okay Timmy is a punk.  And yes, considering he is called little Timmy maybe he is overcompensating for something, but still, boring.

If you want to get people interested, we need to first feel the anger.  Which is expressed no better than all caps and bolded.  You need to scream it at me.  Give me your anger!  Give me your rage!  Give me a R!  Give me a A!  Give me a….

Uh…just look at the rage expressed if we see this rant again:

SO TODAY, LITTLE TIMMY TOOK MY VIOLIN AND SMASHED IT ON THE GROUND!  HE RESCUES A PUPPY ONE TIME FROM UNDER A CAR, AND NOW PEOPLE THINK HE IS THE FREAKIN’ POPE OR SOMETHING.  HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE TO THE PUPPY, BUT NOT ME!  OF COURSE, THEN HE FIGURED OUT THE SQUARE ROOT OF 10 WITHOUT A CALCULATOR ONE TIME.  HE THINKS HE IS SO SMART!   THEN AT LUNCH, HE TOOK MY POPSICLE, ATE IT, AND ONLY LEFT ME THE POPSICLE STICK!  I’M GLAD I’M GOING TO WRIGLEY FIELD TO SEE THE CUBS PLAY BASEBALL ON THURSDAY RATHER THAN GO TO SCHOOL.  I WISH A BEAR WOULD COME AND BEAT HIM UP.  AND STEAL HIS PICNIC BASKET.

See how much better this looks already!  Now we take notice of your rage!  Clearly it is important because you are literally screaming at me across the page.  I can almost imagine the angry typing going on.  TYPE!  TYPE!  TYPE!  TYPE, TYPE, TYPE, TYPE!

BUT THIS IS ONLY…I mean this is only the beginning.  This just gets you noticed.  You are still boring.  Just harder to ignore boring.

Now we reach step two.

Ranting rule number two:  You have to hide the sensitive parts of your rant.

Maybe little Timmy can read, and might stumble on your rant.  Maybe little Timmy finds you after school and shows you what he thinks of your rant.  Maybe he brings a friend named big Timmy.  Any way you look at it, you have to hide some things to make it harder for him to figure out who you are talking about.

This does have an additional benefit.  By hiding certain parts, you can turn your rant into great entertainment.

As in, what in the world is this man on kind of entertainment.  And where can I find it entertainment.

But still entertainment.

Your hiding of sensitive information is easily done by using the word, RANT!  That way, you still show you are ranting and angry, without revealing anything.

Look how much more funny your rant becomes now.

Remember your rant is not about your need to vent.

It is about our entertainment.

Now let’s take a look:

RANT TODAY, RANT RANT RANT RANT VIOLIN RANT SMASHED RANT RANT RANT GROUND!  RANT RANT RANT PUPPY RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT FREAKIN’ POPE RANT RANT! RANT RANT RANT RANT NICE RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT! RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT SQUARE ROOT OF  10 RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT. RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT SMART! RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT POPSICLE STICK!  RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT CUBS RANT RANT RANT THURSDAY RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT! RANT RANT RANT BEAR RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT! RANT STEAL RANT PICNIC BASKET. 

HAHAHA!  Squre root of ten smart popsicle stick!  Oh, the hilarity!  Now I see you are angry and you have a sense of humor!  Great job!

But there is one more thing you need before your rant has officially convinced me to put off watching videos of people getting hit in uncompromising places.

Ranting rule number three:  You can’t really mean it.

Yes, I do enjoy the fact you have a smart popsicle stick, but little Timmy may get some help from someone and figure out the reference to Yogi Bear, and thus, that you are talking about what he did to you.  Plus, people can’t be angry for so long.  They have to know that you only meant it in jest!  I want to laugh, not just feel angry.  So, what to do?

Simple.  Make it a strike through.

If you just put a line through all your words, little Timmy will come to realize that you didn’t mean it.  Sure, it was put up on your page.  But look, there is a line through it!  No harm done right!  I was angry, now I’m not.  Since a line is through it, it means I don’t mean it anymore.

Hooray!

Now can you please let me out of this locker?

Thus, your final product should look something like this:

RANT TODAY, RANT RANT RANT RANT VIOLIN RANT SMASHED RANT RANT RANT GROUND!  RANT RANT RANT PUPPY RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT FREAKIN’ POPE RANT RANT! RANT RANT RANT RANT NICE RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT! RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT SQUARE ROOT OF  10 RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT. RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT SMART! RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT, RANT RANT, RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT POPSICLE STICK!  RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT CUBS RANT RANT RANT THURSDAY RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT! RANT RANT RANT BEAR RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT! RANT STEAL RANT PICNIC BASKET.

So, there you have it!  That is a proper rant!  See how much better and more entertaining it is now!

That’s why you need me.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

I have to figure out how to get out of a locker right now.

Hello!  Anyone! Anyone!  Buehler?

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2 thoughts on “Ranting About Rants”

  1. Ok, ready this post, but maybe it’s because I am in my 30’s but I don’t understand the “rants.” Guess in my generation, we didn’t rant, we actually fought it out in the school yard. The cops were never called we kept it on the “down low.” Noone would ever tell because they knew they would get their *ass kicked.

    Is this the way people fight nowadays, is online? Via ranting? I have a hard tiime understanding my sister who is in her 20’s. I guess it’s just a new generation. Interesting to see what the new generation is like and your views on the world.

    1. It is basically a passive aggressive way to get out your frustration with someone but avoiding fighting them. This way, someone who is opposed to fighting someone else or who maybe thinks they will be in real trouble if they fight someone in real life, can get out their frustration in another way. People still fight, but I guess some people consider it more socially acceptable to keep anger and fighting to an internet page, rather than fists in real life.

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