Literally A Fool

Today at work, I was sadly the victim of a robbery.

I was robbed of my pride.

Yep.  I was fooled.  By my girlfriend no less.

Afterwards it reminded me that…

ahem….

Uh….

AHEM!

Yes?

You didn’t do a joke!

What are you talking about?

You always do a joke towards the beginning of your blog referencing something that occured in the 90’s.  That’s your thing.

I’ve done like 4 blogs.  I don’t have a thing.

….Just do it.

Fine.  I was fooled worse than Grammy voters of Milli Vanilli.

Thank you.

Anyway, it’s fairly easy to fool me.

I admit it.  I usually take people literally at their word.

I can’t help it though.  I have a very literal mind.

It makes conversations difficult sometimes.  I can’t help thinking about the literal translation of what people say.

Just take the following examples.

No seriously, take them.  I don’t want them back.

1.  saying:  bare with me

actual meaning:  just wait

what my literal mind thinks:  You have an 800 pound grizzly friend named Yogi that follows you around.  Which explains why I’m missing my picnic basket.

2.  sayingKeep your eyes peeled.

actual meaning:  watch out for something

what my literal mind thinks:  You have an unhealthy obsession with the best practices for cannibalism.  No wonder you keep following me around with that salt shaker.

3.  sayingYou drive me crazy

actual meaning:  you are making me insane

what my literal mind thinks:  I am not your personal chauffeur.  Besides, what exactly is driving crazy?  Me swerving all over the place?  Babbling non-sense things out the window at other people?  Enjoying Kenny G albums in my car?

4.  sayinggo out on a limb

actual meaning:  take a chance on something

what my literal mind thinks: Do you have any idea how painful it is to try walking out on a body part?  And how should I choose which limb to go out on?  I’m thinking picking out of a hat.

5.  sayingflipping the bird

actual meaning:  Sticking your middle finger up at someone/something as a way to express your displeasure

what my literal mind thinks:  You have an assortment of ticked off birds and a slingshot.  Pretty sure that’s cruelty to animals.  No wonder  they’re so mad.

6.  sayingrunning out of time

actual meaning:  need to hurry up with something

what my literal mind thinks:  I would renew your subscription soon then.  Or ask the library for back issues.  They should have them.  I’m an Entertainment Weekly fan myself.

That’s just a small sampling.  I’ll stop for now though.  If I continued, you would probably think I had a screw loose.

Can you hand me the screwdriver over there?  I’ll tighten it myself.

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